Of course, this embarrassed my parents and those around me.
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They urged me to wear make-up and contacts and to style my hair.
They implored me to talk about subjects that other kids my age were interested in. Contacts and make-up were horribly uncomfortable; I never really succeeded in figuring out how to stick to “normal” topics of conversation. I was a hard worker, I received straight A’s, and for that my parents were proud of me.
The diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder are five or more of the following symptoms: I was told that I exhibited frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, an unstable self-image, recurrent suicidality and self-harm, emotional instability, and inappropriate anger (this last “symptom” was in part due to my anger toward the mental health system).
The idea that not only was I weird, awkward, unattractive, and overly emotional, but also had a disordered personality, only exacerbated my fear of not being good enough for those around me.
I was absolutely convinced that I did not deserve him.